Forbidden Memories

You can’t get all the people together in this world whom u really like and can stay together and forever the same… I guess and I think its doesn’t work.. Someone would leave.. Someone always leave.. You left me.. And now its my turn to leave you in the grave of the memories.. Its too difficult to say good byes.. And I really hate good byes..Its been ages I haven’t written not even tried.. But these depressing moment are the dark night taking over the sunlight in the dawn.

There are things we never want to let go of.. People whom we never want to leave behind but we have too..
I know I’m searching for something. Something so undefined.. That can’t be defined.. That it can be only be seen by the eyes of the blind even in the middle of the night.. I was that much blind in my love for you..!!

Taking a walk by myself with nobody to talk to, only music to listen to, and no phone to text make me feel good.                                                        This is how i’m now.. Don’t need anyone..!!

Under One Umbrella

I Don’t Wana Run Away..!!!

I remember the times we spent together on those drives..We had a million questions all about our lives and when we got to be near each other everything felt right..I wish you were here with me tonight..Its all right i would love to watch you whole night.I remember the days we spent together were not enough and I used to feel like dreaming except we always woke up..Never thought not having you here now would hurt so much.

Somehow i managed to live my part of life because earlier i used to live life for her..Today it seems even i feel that i’m happy and but for me its really difficult to prove..I really don’t have any idea what has happened to me..Sometimes i enjoy my lonliness and sometimes it kills me.Some times i really like romantic songs but sometimes i just don’t want them near to me..I know its kind of weird..but I guess most of us goes through it..

I can stand aside from the crowd and proudly can raise my voice and can shout that Girl I really loved you and no one can do the same for you..

Few lines from my most favourite song..!!

“Hey baby, when we are together,doing things that we love.

Every time you’re near I feel like I’m in heaven, feeling high

I don’t want to let go, girl.

I just need you to know girl.

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,

No promises.

Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

Here tonight”

………………………………………………………..

I hear it everyday and may be because of its beautiful lines.Your words are heard throughout my changing mind and saturating every part of my senses..I hope god must be having something for me in his pot..

Leave this apart well what i really need some time to change myself.I guess this path is really not easy but I will..One day i’ll show up with something bad or good of me..The day has come when god is offers a choice of the red pill or the blue pill.The blue pill will result in forgetting the whole thing and going back to daily life,but the other offers the truth-no promises of happiness or anything else,just the truth.Here I need to judge and adopt bad or evil.However, I will not be forced to think and act as you do

So for now, I will leave you alone…..

 

I Never Told You

 You’ll never cum to know.You’ll never come to know how much you mean to me. We spent a little time together n i swear u’ve changed a lot about me more than anyone before u. You have left a wound dats not so easy to heal. You dont love me but for some crazy reason i do. Pardon the cliche but i cant stop thinking bout you. You’re so far but da fact is, you are right here in my mind n heart. Why do i feel such feelings for you when i know you don’t feel the same? Why do i hurt myself with thoughts of you? Why cant i forget you? I want to heal from this wound that you’ve left behind. Do you remember me? Is dat even a valid question? Why did you come in my life? Why were u being so nice?And now why are you not here with me anymore? I am content. I am not complaining. There are too many things in life that are beyond our understanding and for me, you are one of them. You r a puzzle. You confuse me. Why were u like dat then? n y r u like dis nw? Shud u feel guilty or shud i? Wer did it go wrong? i keep thinkin but i cant seem to find da answer. Do u think bout it now? Do u still remember da times v spent 2gether? Im sure da answer is ‘no’. Wer r u? R u happy? Was it true wat u all said? or wer dey all lies? I know im neva gonna find out. I know i’ll neva come to know coz may be dis is really da end of u n i. But with God’s mysterious n miraculous ways anything is possible. Perhaps i’ll see u again, perhaps i’ll talk to u again, perhaps i’ll look at u again, perhaps u’ll feel a little of wat im feelin nw, perhaps by God’s grace we’ll b able to 4give each other, perhaps v cn smile at each other again, perhaps i’ll dance wit u again, but whichever way it turns out i accept my fate heartily. Perhaps u’re much happier without me. So b happy n i’ll b happy. U r a dream.  A guy like me cudnt possibly feel, think or go thru sumthing like dis. But im still human n im vulnerable. I am strong n i know it. But der r a few times wen dat is not da case. I am losing myself. I am drowning… but no no no… i’m not gonna let myself get lost or drowned. This is my life n i need to make myself happy. I know i can neva depend on any1 for my happiness.

Above was my past situation..Still a few emotions of yours are attached in my darkest corner in ma heart..

But thinking of today’s situation is that i’m bright like a new born kid… Twinkling like a star…I think now i won’t sue Disney for portraying an image that everything happens good at the end..Happily ever after… I felt this because today i’m happy since i have reason to live and loving myself only and my friends.. It wud b stupid if i expect someone to give me happiness other than myself.Few of them are very special to my heart.

Well i always confuse myself whether to move on and go for another or be on the same track. Here’s the situation i feel like moving on even i try too..But i really don’t know i just stop..There are some forces which stops me which make me stay at the same place.May be i don’t wanna face another failure like the earlier..Its just when you give 100% you just get back only 2%. I can’t risk my heart again on the chop of the butcher so it can be broken again in pieces..I just run from loving anyone. May be another reason could be when there is so much love around me why cant i feel the same feeling as when i’m thinking of you or when i’m with you. You’ve turned my heart into ice, you’ve turned it into a stone. I hav so much love to give n i give it to everyone but why is it that love is not the same as the love i have for you. They may think i’m crazy. They wont believe it. They know i’m a happy guy n that i dont display emotions. I am no drama guy and i don’t throw tantrums. But whatever da case, i thank God wit all my heart for everything. The blessings r more than i can ever ask for. Now lets all be happy n accept the not so very gud things in our lives with all our hearts.

Live and Learn

In the past I have written about the relationship and after whatever i have been in.Earlier i used think  that I’ve been never valued by anyone. I’m just a waste of space that everyone ignores, like a ghost without a home.There was moments when i tried to break out from the vacuum/loneliness but i couldn’t & the space demons keep calling me into the void.Sometimes i enjoyed it even felt comfortable

Journey Of Life

but till which extent i should be living this life.I often had this emotional breakdown and i hated it.I just wanted this moment to swift over…
I  hated the feeling of loneliness and pointless in life.I wanted to live a meaningful life..!

You wanna know what the truth is? She is still there somewhere in the corner of my heart …and I probably will love her for a very long time…but I can’t just be her buddy because as much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends” in reality its a bizarre form of torture and I’m just not willing to participate in it..So right now what I wanna do is just move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to be not around you anymore.

But now honestly i thank God for all the good and bad i went through in those times, because that helped me to get out of this whole phase.I know you only made me strong,made me so tough that from next time it’s never going hurt if somebody leaves me away.The world is kind of dumb place to be honest. I have to say 80% of the people I have met,i don’t think have any true purpose on this planet, other than making me a stronger person, because I have to deal with their bullshit.Yet, 20% of people get me through this life, and make me think that the world is not so bad, and people do truly care.

But still sometimes i felt not to be in this crowed world..Nobody questions me nobody shows pity on me..Tell me do you ever just get that feeling where..You don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile, and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time, you don’t know exactly what is wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t exactly understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting… And it seems as though they’re just asking because they feel obligated to do so. At least when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who wont take ‘i don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just because you hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait..

I’m just writing my overview of thoughts about the current status of me, not searching for anything. I’m starting to realize that ‘forever’ is just another one of those fairy tales that mothers tell their children to help them sleep at night. Nothing is forever. Life isn’t, happiness isn’t, love isn’t. Things end and people say goodbye and we have no choice in the matter. All we can do is sit and watch our lives ending one minute at a time.

I used to wish for everything then there came a moment when i stopped wishing. It’s not because I got what I wanted, but  because i finally accepted that not all wishes can come true. But again my new wish to new start of life & I know it is always frightening..But at least this time I truly believe that its going to be amazing..

And in conclusion, I will leave you with this quote.

“You gotta hurt in order to know. Fall in order to grow. Lose in order to gain. Because most of life’s lessons are learned in pain.”

My Past is Just History

Every single day i try to get over from my pain. But i never succeeded in it or may be i never wanted… I’m lil confuse while writing this blog…I don’t know where my words going to take this story of this blog…May be my blog brings together both words and melody to show that not only is this true, but also that sometimes, a few simple notes and phrases are the only way one can sincerely express your feelings.

So many things you never know are done for love. When i look back on those days  I realize how innocent & satisfied life was back then…So much of fun n frolic…Walking down memory’s lane, a lot of fame with ups and downs made ma life so vast and my friends say it’s a beautiful story-But my past is just histroy . And going down the memory lane surely brings a tear to my eyes…How I wish I could just go back time n stop it right there and never let that happen. I now fear nothing but from life itself and i have learned that living is just a slow way to die. The fear I feel night after night has developed into a disease. No one can see the emptiness in my eyes.

I search and wait for you because you are my happiness. Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you makes tears stream down my face. I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face and your good heart. I can’t forget her eyes glittering like pearls so grand, her beautiful smile is so alluring..Her very beautiful hands are so smooth like finest marble and purest silk.Take me in your arms and hold me close..And yes, my heart will beat just for you…But you are long gone, in love with someone else. It has been a year no matter what i do i can’t forget you…I hide ma tears with a smile…I hide my pain with a laugh. Every time i hear your name my heart starts beating fast. When i sit alone in my room I remember you with a tear. I never thought you would be someone i did have to miss…I was never right, I thought I belonged to your life, but I guess I did not hit the mark… now look, I’m in the dirt wondering why it hurts so bad..My once happy life has turned into clay and my happie world is taken away. I lie down always think of you and today when i sit here writing a blog wonders if only i could relive everything i wanted to…everything that hurt me…if it was never so…if i was never alone…but i always forgot so quickly the lesson that has been taught by life that there are many of things i pushed for but most where not for me at all..I feel lost because you’re gone i still have the feelings for you…

I still believe that love was true but i know you are happier now then you would have been…I am glad i let you go even though it was so damn hard to do…I am trusting that i made the right decision..I know that even through the hard times..You are happier then you have been. I love you in spite of all the hard feelings that we both had…Of all the heart aches for the happy and for the sad…The reason it hurts so much to separate and to live without you is because our souls were connected. I want you to be happy the best way you can… I want you to be free from anything that holds you back…

All I ever wish is for you to be happy and i know my role is not as that person in your life. Now I must move forward..I want it to be real, but inside me truth creeps. In the pages of my past, lines once written even bleed today..I have walked alone for so long i have learned some things about life, hard lessons even beautiful ones. I am tired of surviving. I walk a mile want it to be that far away that i could not turn back.

I hope you never have or know this feeling i have inside me now or how this hurts. No matter what love is never wasted just the heart aching to be held, to be safe.

Live, laugh, love because tomorrow is promised to no one.